Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from the House Impeachment hearings, where I have spent the last several hours making smooching noises every time a Republican speaks to kiss President Trump’s ass and try to avoid taking responsibility for inciting his idiotic followers to attack the Capitol. But this whole thing is taking a long time so I figured I might as well pass the time by watching and recapping AEW Dark. Haw haw haw haw!
The official logo for AEW Dark
AEW Dark Recap for January 12th, 2020
Excalibur, Taz, and Anthony Ogogo are the commentary team for this week’s episode of Dark, which consists of twelve matches this week. If that sounds like a lot of time to invest into dark matches, don’t worry. El Presidente will tell you what happened.
Mike Verna vs. Ricky Starks
Mike Verna is wearing an American flag cape and a metal breastplate. Is he wrestling Ricky Starks or storming the capitol? Wrestling starks, it turns out. Mike Verna resembles Superman, which is why his nickname is “The Man of Steel.” Also he had an opportunity to save his Pa from a burning bus but chose to protect his secret identity instead. Starks must be packing kryptonite because he picks up the win in this one with a spear.
Winner: Ricky Starks
RYZIN & Fuego Del Sol vs. Jurassic Express
Luchasaurus and Jungle Boy are the ones who wrestle in this match. It isn’t easy to play the underdog when you’re wrestling jobbers, my friends, but Jungle Boy pulls it off. Luchasaurus has his fun tossing the little guys around. The match ends with Jungle Boy making Fuego Del Sol tap out.
Winner: Jurassic Express
Tay Conti vs. Marti Daniels
Conti has an NWA Championship match coming up on Dynamite this week, so it would be quite the shock for Daniels to beat her. Fortunately, nothing shocking happens here. Conti picks up the win with the Tay-K-O, comrades.
Winner: Tay Conti
I like Tay Conti. She reminds me of my old friend Luiz.
Dark Order vs. Shawn Dean, Zack Clayton, Adam Priest, Danny Limelight & Vary Morales
Fighting for Dark Order in this match: Stu Grayson, Evil Uno, 5, 10, and Colt Cabana. Dark Order’s push continues, spurred partially by the memory of their late leader, Brodie Lee. Will 2021 be the year of the Dark Order, comrades? As a cult-like figure myself when I was running a South American dictatorship, I appreciate what Dark Order is doing here. Evil Uno gets the pin on one of the jobbers.
Winners: Dark Order
Louie Valle vs. Powerhouse Hobbs
Apparently, Taz has beef with Valle for ripping off Taz’s colors of orange and black. Powerhouse Hobbs makes him pay for it.
Winner: Powerhouse Hobbs
Hobbs assaults a bloody Valle after the match as Taz’s kid, Hook, cheers him on.
Red Velvet vs. Leva Bates
This is the first match where El Presidente doesn’t know the outcome as soon as it begins. Red Velvet seems to be on the upswing, but Bates has been in AEW since the beginning. As it turns out, Red Velvet gets the win with a Claymore kick. Hey, Drew McIntyre, you snooze, you lose.
Winner: Red Velvet
Alex Reynolds & John Silver vs. KC Navarro & El Australiano
Scorpio Sky gets on commentary for this match to promote his new podcast. Hey, one of these guys just wrestled in the Super X Cup on Impact. He has about as much luck here, as the Dark Order picks up another win here when Reynolds gets the pin with a modified powerslam.
Winners: Alex Reynolds and John Silver
Varsity Blondes vs. Lee Johnson & Aaron Solow
“Pretty” Peter Avalon joins the commentary booth to add his schtick to this match. I cannot get enough of the Varsity Blondes gimmick. Brian Pillman Jr. is bringing the mullet back, and comrades, that is a good thing. Mullets are hair for the people. The socialism of haircuts. This is a pretty good match. Pillman pins Bayley’s boyfriend with a powerbomb/dropkick combo.
Winners: Varsity Blondes
Avalon swoons over Lee Johnson after the match. He gives Johnson a signed photo and Johnson shakes his head, but he does accept the photo, so that’s something.
Anna ’99’ Jay vs. Alex Gracia
This one doesn’t last long before Jay makes Gracia tap to the Queenslayer.
Winner: Anna Jay
Alex Gracia has done a lot of jobbing lately. Is this what one calls “paying your dues?”
Serena Deeb vs. Tesha Price
Another short one in which the NWA champ gets the win quickly.
Winner: Serena Deeb
Baron Black & Nick Comoroto vs. Bear Country
If there’s one thing I can’t tolerate, comrades, it’s aristocrats. El Presidente is keeping an eye on you, Baron Black! On the other hand, the FBI should probably be keeping an eye on Bear Country in case they are planning on storming the Capitol. Bear Country win with the Insurgency Splash.
Winners: Bear Country
Chaos Project vs. Top Flight
Finally, the main event. Has anyone ever told AEW that Dark is too long? 45 minutes would be about a perfect length for this show. Luther and Serpentico look to be in control for most of the match, but it’s Top Flight who walk away with the win.
Winners: Top Flight
Thank you for reading my AEW Dark recap, comrades! Until next time: socialism or death.
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About El Presidente
After a successful fourteen-year career as a South American dictator, El Presidente faked his own death in 2013 in order to pursue his two true passions: rigging American elections for Joe Biden, and wrestling dirt sheet reporting. Since opportunities to rig the election for Joe Biden were few and far between until recently, El Presidente mostly focused on the wrestling dirt sheet reporting, where he became one of the best in the business. Unfortunately, the American CIA sabotaged his 1-900 hotline, the pinnacle of his country’s wrestling news technology, and imperialist hacks like Meltzer, Johnson, Sapp, and Satin took all the credit on their stupid websites. Finally, El Presidente has found a way to break into the American market by becoming a Bleeding Cool contributor, so get ready for the spread of great wrestling news and socialism, comrades!